Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Mom Blogger Rant

 Dunning-Kruger is in the house. 

         I hate that the internet has given voice to people who used to be safely ignored and tuned out. 

 I wanted to find out if I could substitute evaporated milk for regular milk to make biscuits, so I did a search online. 

 I say 'did a search' because I can't say I 'did a quick search.'  There is nothing quick about what happened. 

       I am going to order more recipe books for my kindle. That's the only way I can  keep from having a stroke I think. 

   I used to be so happy about the community of online recipe-sharing for people who like to cook. I even contributed 2 recipes, for cilantro lime tilapia and a confection called Olhos Do Sogra. 

          I just wanted a fuckin' biscuit recipe. I have only been a southerner for 7 years, mea culpa. Shit ain't natural to me, and don't be shitty about it; people in the south can't choose or cook a fuckin' potato to save their lives, and I forgive them. We eat spuds along with mother's milk up in the Irish Riviera. 

 I'm not really kidding about that. My sister used to just grab a raw potato out of the bin and eat it on the way to school. I'm not even sure she rinsed them. My mom used to hate it. But you can do that with a Golden Harvest potato easier than you can with a russet or Yukon Gold. Oh, that's another thing. The south only has like 3 varieties of potatoes available. A paucity of choice, truly. 

        So, yeah, I click on the first 3 biscuit recipes those tech assholes send me, and I have to scroll through 20 hi-rez pictures that take a minute to load, the articles are so long and wander off point so much that I either give up or the scroll wheel on my mouse catches fire from spinning it for 45 minutes. And I still haven't gotten to the recipe! 

 Ladies of the internet: I am married. I do not want to hear your life story, and nobody wants a 15-page  creative writing essay when I just want to know CAN I SUBSTITUTE ONE TYPE OF MILK FOR ANOTHER! 

    The struggle and sacrifice these poor WASP's go through, my gosh. Tens of thousands of iterations, babies born in the pantry and back to work before the cord is cut, and OMG, here is a 2,000 word subsection on my favorite type of butter and a 12-minute mini-documentary on organic cow farming! Oh, and turns out, there is no listed recipe. You have to read my biography and the 5 pages of that contains the description of this particular recipe. There will be a quiz on my prom details from 1992. 

 While I was pulling out my white robe and a steak knife to commit seppuku after doing this on three websites, going through the trials and tribulations of motherhood, a treatise on why one cook is sure her 18-month old is trans, and how ungrateful we all are regarding her hard work to bring us a recipe that is available on the back of a Bisquik box, I gave up and decided to throw my laptop in the ocean. Humanity deserves to end.   I gave up on google and opened the Brave Browser I normally use and had a recipe in about 20 seconds. Thank you Brave and thank you Duckduckgo. You're not all that good, but you're better than the competition. 
    Tl;dr.:  yes, you can substitute evaporated milk for regular milk when you make biscuits. 

 You know who's recipes I like?  Cedar Sanderson's.    She makes great food, and being both a professional creative writer AND a full-time scientist, she writes a recipe and gives directions that make her cooking repeatable. 

Oh, and one week to go aboard this floating tin hot dog cart, too. 


Rob said...

Biscuits are simple, in less time than it took to voice your rant you could have tried them with milk, with evaporated milk and with plain tap water and seen what was what.

But that leaves you with the rant just sitting there and that's not really a good thing.... and I enjoyed the rant!

I agree with you completely about looking for a simple recipe, those people seem to drone on and on about something that should have taken less than a minute to read twice.

Almost as bad as youtube!

Beans said...

You are correct about the blah-blah-blah.

Next time, check out the substitute item's home web page, in this case Bordon's evaporated or condensed milk for the substitution (I seem to reckon it's a 1/2 ev/con to 1/2 water for 1 measure of milk, but it's been so long I may be wrong.)

Food network used to be good, but they are spotty.

Thanks for the tip to Cedar Sanderson.

Cedar said...

Why, thank you sir! I try to keep my recipes to the point - it helps I'm not trying to sell anything (at least not with the recipe posts) so I don't have to accommodate ads and sponsors and such. I should have a biscuit recipe. If not, I'll take care of that soonish.

Fair winds!

lahosken said...

You might like . No biscuits, but no life stories either.

JayNola said...

No shade on Cedar's recipe however I like Alton brown's reloaded biscuit recipe. Its a touch fiddly to get correct but worth the effort. It makes a tall flaky biscuit perfect for spreading jam or jelly and butter on.