Sunrise, 2025

 I've been more positive in general over the past few months. It's a work thing and I think it's carried over into my personal life, which is entirely positive. This is very welcome, as there have been challenges, as there always are, but having a more full tank of fucks to give, emotionally, has certainly helped.

 I attribute it to Situational Distress, or more accurately, getting out of situational distress. 

 I wrote about this some time back.  Situational distress is the 'silent accumulation of operational stressors that lead to situational distress: cognitive fatigue, emotional strain, and performance degradation in the moment. These human factors are subtle, dynamic, and often invisible to traditional mental health tools, yet they’re the most common precursors to errors and accidents at sea' 

    Basically being in the shit, with hopelessness and no sign of an end to it. 

         That's how bad it was from last September until March.  Coming back from Brazil after burying my mother-in-law and realizing on the day of her funeral that we'd been fucked out of well over $100,000 bucks by the builder of our dream home in Brazil, the culmination of almost a decade of planning, overtime, etc, that spending 9-10 months a year at work, and my wife working 80-90 hours a week for 7 of those years... for nothing. You know I haven't taken more than 3 days off for actual vacation since 2010. 15 years, when I went on a road trip for fun with my family. 

 So I mean thst sucked, but I was dealing with it. The problem...the REAL problem, was that work suddenly became awful right as my emotional resiliance redlined. Constant maintenance problems leading to terrible living conditions aboard, nonstop work with no rest and the only reward for difficult jobs being carried out correctly was that peers who were fuckups started getting rewarded for being bad sailors by being given easier jobs...just no TIME for self-care, and seemingly no shoreside support as all this was going on, just a lot of sympathy, but no change, as they attempted to manage chaos. Things seem to ve better for them too. Some new blood, some new efforts and Indunno, support for them too, maybe. Over my pay grade. I knew they weren't neglecting us, just things were tough for a time. 

 And then, the HQ went to shipyard... and I got some good assignments with free time, leaving me with a chance to calm down, to sleep, to work on things beyond work while at work (which is a necessary part of shipboard life lived on a career-long timeline).  Being given time in the shipyard with the HQ, where I arrived just... better... I was more productive than ever.  The current HQ, outside and in, hasn't looked this good and run this well since... well, since at least the first time I stepped foot on it about 15 years ago when I filled in for a week on here. 

    That's the shitshow that is Situational Distress. You know things are bad and hope it'll get better, but the hope has to take a backseat to practical things like just getting the fucking day over with. 

    I think blogbuddy BCE is having his crisis at that point right now. Signs are positive that he's coming out of that hole. 

 So, yeah. All that popped in my head this morning when I stopped and took a second to admire the skyline here in an otherwise butt-fucking ugly port. 

 It's been a long while since I looked at God's handiwork and was glad in it... which used to be one of my favorite parts of being a sailor.

 I'm glad I noticed today. 

      So, today... today I've got a modest load of heavy fuel oil and a splash of marine diesel to pic up for a Japanese car carrier.   We're moderately busy here on the HQ. I'll work 4-5 days, then get a day or part of a day off to use as I see fit, for maintenance and sometimes just reading a book or actually sitting down to eat. 

 Better. Much better. 

    Things are going better in Brazil too. More on that at some point. 

 Anyhow, time to sail. Tide's almost slack and our tugboat just cranked her engines to warm up. 

Big oof. Poor guy.

 So the cargo surveyor mafia in NY/NJ is run by Egyptians. 

   These are 3rd party contractors that go and double check all of our cargo volumes and calculations, as well as those of the shoreside tanks or ships we load from or discharge to, to give a 2nd opinion and keep everyone honest. ... and they're 95% Egyptians. They're also almost universally gregarious, honest and hard working. 

   Today I'm loading 2 products from shore tanks in Constable Hook NJ. The surveyor is one of the younger guys, maybe 28.   Poor kid is named Osama. 

       This must be what it was like to be named Adolf in the 50's. Poor kid. 

      I really REALLY don't want an Osama in my contact list on my phone, though.  No way that doesn't get me on a list somewhere.  

 Best I could do is put his name down as Usama in my phone.  It's enough I got a lot of Mohammads, Habibs, Beshoys and Ashrafs there.  Granted half of them are Copts, pretty much ancient Catholics, but still. 

       

Ordinary Time continues

     Well, I'm still here, and while it's another unexceptional day workwise, it's been a good chance to walk the HQ's decks in the heat of the day, when the metal is expanded, and look for leaks in the many, many connections, valves and fittings. Hydraulic fittings that are nicely sealed at 80 degrees start weeping oil at 95, in two cases here. Along with the expanded metal, I was able to crank down a touch with one of the cartoonishly long pipe wrenches we keep aboard, which should see that fitting truly sealed now, and possibly forever. I think rather than try to disconnect it now it might just be easier to sink the whole fuckin barge. 

        I've been cooking with a carbon steel pan lately. First time I'm aware of, and while I'm not sold on the whole "you can make it nonstick' schtick, as it seems my breakfast laughs at 3-4 rounds of seasoning the pan the day before, I actually like working with the pan. Even when I get stuff sticking, it ain't much and it comes off with an hour's soak in water, mostly.   Where I no longer have a working thyroid, I'm pretty well limited to about 1500 calories a day unless I actually work out or get my ass kicked on deck, so I gotta make the calories count and cook well. And I have been. I made cilantro-lime chicken w/ carrots, broccoli and a touch of rice yesterday. Today is Steak, beets and a caesar salad w/o croutons. Breakfast, well, I eat well too. But that's pretty much it for  the day, foodwise. No snacks, no 3rd meal.    I'm in a careful calorie deficit at work, as I am too old to be too fat now, and seem to be losing about 1.5 lbs a week this year, so... progress. 

             I didn't get a science job I bid on, which is a bit of a bummer, as it looked like a fun project- creation of an artificial wetland in an office atrium space with a footprint that is too small to concentrate enough surface area to do the work intended (water filtration), but with a limited electrical budget allowing for moving things vertically... making a stackable series of artificial wetlands. 

  Anyhow, my 2-page proposal, with cost and energy budgeting listed, was apparently not enough. Truth be told, artificial wetlands are not my forte, but it did look fun, and it was in Texas, where I'd like to visit sometime, just not in Beaumont or Houston, where I always ended up before, and which always wasn't that much fun. 

    Well, next month there's an RFP going out for another gig, a little more up my alley. 

    I have a friend, now retired,  who made a name for himself as a botanist specializing in using plants to pull heavy metals and other toxins out of otherwise arable soil.  He basically seeded fields with weeds that had an affinity for certain contaminants, and then kept goats and let them eat the weeds. Twice a year the goats would come in, then the soil turned over and reseeded, rinse, repeat . Cost is about 5% of carting off the soil for incineration and interring in a sealed landfill but it takes a couple of years to work. And the goats don't live to a ripe old age, lol. 

   I don't know where it's a matter of no longer having the intellectual chops or just having a shorter attention span, but I like limiting myself to ideas that are helpful, that solve problems, but which can be reduced to fundamental concepts and carried out and expanded upon by anyone with a little time and experience, and not at a technician's level. 

         Well, in the meanwhile, I gots to go put the oil in the hole and turn the round things to make the oil go in the hole or not. Sadly, I am not being paid to wax orgasmic about the ideas people didn't want to pay me for this time. 

Ordinary Time

 Well, I'm on days now. Since B and I are staying aboard until Big E, our other partner, comes back from med leave, we decided to rotate watches every 3 weeks. So for the past 3 weeks, which have been damn hot, I've at least been out of the sun and working in the cooler parts of the day... until now. 

       Today we're on standby with no time yet fixed for the upcoming cargo sitting on our books... which means it will either be in 48 hours or a case of 'surprise, losers!' and 30 minutes from now. 

        In the meanwhile, we took on stores this morning and I was able to grub up (get groceries) on Monday so we've got what we need to work.  Among the boxes and the like, the company sent us 2 new mooring lines, as UV, wear and age did for several aboard here. We use synthetic lines, which break down into little fibers over time, and shed like a Portuguese girl in the springtime. Stuff gets EVERYWHERE, including in our eyes, which is a cast-iron whore to get out. 

 In the olden days on the oil tanker I worked on, I could consult with the 1st mate, get some eyeball anesthetic drops, and fish out any crap in my eye. These days, if eyewash and a little probing don't do the job, we gotta go ashore, which means a NY clinic or hospital, so you get to spend 8hrs to get seen while 600 illegal aliens are in line before you, getting everything for free. And nobody wants to go to the NY doc-in-the-box and get cholera or smallpox from some foreign mong in the waiting room. 

     But, at any rate, we're deep in the grind here and the days sure all seem the same. 

Happy Birfday America!

 Got a nice view of the NY  fireworks from the HQ tonight, as we were moored on the edge of Brooklyn Bridge Park. 

 For 25 minutes it didn't suck to be in New York. 

 It being a holiday I celebrated with a steak. I have 3 good picanhas in the deep freezer (sirloin cap, or culotte to the French). My metabolism being disordered, sadly it was only 4oz but on the upside it was delicious.  The new reality is that if I wish to see retirement, I should be eating very lightly, so cooked up broccoli and diced a zucchini. 

 And it's been great to have the night off. Back to it tomorrow. Got a pumpoff of some leftover oil, amd then loading more of two different grades.

balances and compromises

 I had a long couple of days but we're off for the night here at the HQ.  

      When nothing goes right, not a single thing beyond that you didn't fall down or crap your pants? No, I guess it wasn't that bad, but there was an unusual aggregation of shit going south this week. 

          The HQ has been modified several times to change how and what it can load and pump off. Originally it was designed to carry two separate grades of oil that didn't need to come in contact with each other- each with it's own pipelines, manifold and  multiple block valves, so that all the tanks *Can* be made common and can be used to carry just one product, or we can subdivide, and where the pipelines meet, we have multiple block valves so there is never less than 2 block valves keeping for example, gasoline and diesel fuel, so if one fails they still can't shake hands. 

 The HQ had a 3rd manifold and pipeline  added so we can carry 3 grades separately.  Loading or emptying the tanks pushes the hull deeper in the water or more shallow, and which tanks we use, and on which side (every tank has a number and the side designation- the bow tanks, called the #1's. have port and starboard sides, divided at the hull's centerline. So filling one and not the other rolls the hull over some. As we move aft, we pass the number 2's, 3's, 4's, etc.  This is important because we usually load two products at a time and often in unequal volumes... and sometimes we load such small volumes that we have to just use one tank, because we need a minimum volume of fuel in the tank in order for the cargo pumps to catch prime. 

  So we have to load our oil with a mind towards list (port and starboard tipping), trim (forward and aft tipping) and hull stress too.

    Tankships are made of steel, which is quite a bit more flexible than you'd think when you're loading tremendous mass on it. Ships MUST be flexible, as the enormous amount of energy the hull is dealing with- gravity, buoyancy, not to mention that the loads aren't static- they change as the hull bobs around, the metal MUST bend a bit to bleed off the forces involved, or it will shatter like a dry stick. So I also gotta load with a mind to not overstress the hull too. It has a limit on how much it wants to bend. If I load, say the aftmost port tank and the forewardmost starboard tank... have you ever snapped a Kitkat bar in half? 

Same reason trees are made to sway in the wind. Good one, God. 

For maximum versatility,  some of our tanks are dedicated to one type of fuel or another. #1's are for ultra low sulfur, #2's, are for low sulfur, 3's are for diesel, etc... each pair of tanks is reserved for one grade of fuel.  This is done because sulfur content is critically important. Plenty of companies have had 7-figure fines for burning the wrong fuel in the wrong place... yeah, the ocean has emissions control schemes. Some countries have more strict regulations than others, and there's a global limit on how high a sulfur content you can burn at all. Sulfur provides lubricity to the parts of the engine that are exposed to the fuel, but it's also a deeply noxious gas in terms of emissions. There's a balancing act there. We don't lump all the like product tanks together because sometimes we load just one product, and we have to distribute that weight evenly for trim, list and stress, too, especially because the other tanks that carry other products will stay empty.  There are plenty of times I will, for example, load tanks towards the midships and fill just one tank on each side- for example, I will fill #2 starboard and #5 port.    Ballast is often used to even out hull stresses, tankers being double hulled, the space between the outer hull and the cargo tanks can be flooded with water to weigh the ship down or even out stress... but the HQ is the right combination of built heavy and built for non-oceangoing service, so we don't need water ballast while bunkering in protected bays, lakes or sounds.  Keeps things simple. 

 Now, next thing is ensuring I can empty the tanks. Each tank has a sump, a low point, where the suction pipe is.  The sumps are located in an aft corner of the tanks, and closest to the centerline. The tanks have a flat bottom, so the higher the difference between bow and stern draft of the hull, the more that the oil flows 'downhill' so the dregs come off faster... but it's black oil, thick stuff, and it clings to surfaces, so it's impossible to get rid of the last little bit. In winter, when the hull is cold, the cold steel makes the oil solidify, so any sort of downhill difference becomes even more important so as not to end up with 'heavy bottoms,' or a deep sludge of solidified fuel.  By end of February, this is almost inevitable to greater or lesser degrees. 

    Now, we have loading programs that help us calculate hull stress and predict trim and list to help us load and discharge safely... It can also be done by hand using a calculator, pen and paper and some charts the builder gave us when the hull was new, but the truth is that the programs are a backstop against experience and understanding. Now, we MUST use all tools in our toolbox to do our job right- that is, if you have two ways of measuring something, two is one and one is none- that is, you are obligated to use every tool appropriate to the situation... and the present HQ is almost an identical hull to my last HQ, so I have 15 years of experience with this hull and its' idiosyncrasies. I know what load plans work well and what doesn't, off the top of my head... but more important, I know that when I am NOT dealing with a gimme of a cargo load, which is about 15-20% of the time,  I know the process and the parameters that keep things bulletproof in terms of safety...There's still an experience factor though, a point where the computer can tell you stress levels on the hull but it can't tell you if you'll be able to do a job if the volumes change and a ship decides they don't want all the fuel they ordered and now you have, say, 400 more tons of fuel than you had expected, causing a port list, when you had loaded based on the presumption that you'd have an even keel and that tank empty when you started pumping off another tank. 

   Just an example.    Just like my post from last week, my poo writing skills make this sound much more interesting than it is. Ever try to cook in a skillet but you went a little light on the oil and you have to tilt the pan to get some more from the edge of the pan?   Same same. 

      

  

Father, the Sleeper Has Awakened!