Ennui

 Had one of those days yesterday where nothing went right but nothing went terribly wrong, either; we all have 'em, and we all hate 'em. 

      We've got a lot of young and seemingly enthusiastic new hires in the company's office. The support staff and administrators on the management side of bunkering; paper pushers. These are the people I talk to when I get my cargo orders, have questions about cargo, or need support in relation specifically to our cargo. 

        With so many new people, old established relationships no longer translate into smooth operations, on both the afloat and shoreside sides. 

        The young office kids are killing me. I've gone from 1-2 phone calls a day to well over 20. They're dealing with a LOT of variable personalities in terms of the bunker tankermen they need to interact with, and w/o longstanding relationships, it's a one-size-fits-some situation that chafes, probably on both sides. 

    If I was capable of 20 phone calls a day without having a stroke, I'd have a normal fuckin' job and not spend half the year away from everyone I love, trying to stay the hell away from people

 Whine whine whine, I know.  I untactfully have said a few times 'This could be handled by email, you know.'  So yesterday instead of 2-3 emails, which is normal, on top of my 20 phone calls, I had, and I counted, 27 emails. 

 90% of my job MUST be done away from a phone or PC. If we get busted being distracted, we get a slap on the pee-pee for good reason. My job is easy... until it isn't. 

     When my ego is feeling front-loaded I say things like. 'I gotta train these kids' to my victims shipmates or to their manager, who used to do their job.  Really, it's just growing pains... and I'm no prize either. I caught myself about to hand an ass-chewing to a seemingly nice guy earlier this week, when I misinterpreted an emailed message. I stopped myself (Thank God, but I need to do this more, also) and said something less inflammatory. 'We're all on the same side here, right?'  

   I think, without bragging, I'm the most technically proficient tankerman my company has in the northeast and all my little certificates and permissions and licenses let me oversee pretty much any dangerous cargo, solid, liquid or gas (except cryogenic fuels. I let that lapse, as I don't have opportunity to do it, which is required to stay compliant). My damn personality, however, is self-limiting. 

 I like doing what I like doing, and not much else, which is why I do bunkering rather than moving clean oils,  and have an explosive hatred for incompetence or ignorance, seeing it as a personal affront rather than an opportunity to promote growth. The office kids are nice, housebroken and polite, which encourages responses in kind. They deal with some incompetent scumbag lowlifes among the tankermen rolls esp among the post-covid hires, and as such I have been, while not dismissed, say... treated as mildly retarded, if nice, by the kids, which my ego does not relish. Found the chink in my armor fast, for sure. 

    And speaking of my character flaws, I hate change now. When did that happen? I think that's what's sending me off watch red-faced and able to feel my pulse IN MY FACE every night.  We're in a time of change.  The only cure for my ennui is a win in some form.