Saturday, June 23, 2012

Ye Olde Newe Yorke Banana Hammock

Boxer briefs are acceptable, comfortable underwear for portly but active men like me. There's the support of briefs, keeping one's bojangles from bojangling, plus the extra coverage so as not to look like a 6-foot tall hairy toddler.

    The first time Inappropriately Hot Foreign Wife saw me in my unmentionables (2 weeks after my wedding night, Ma, I swear!), which were semi-worn boxer briefs that had lost the elasticity around my legs, she had never seen boxer briefs, having never been involved with anyone from outside her own country, where briefs are, hilariously, still the norm. She later told me that she thought I had an incontinence problem or something, and was wearing some sort of adult diaper, so, while I think of it, Calvin Klein should go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut for making me look like Mr. Poopypants. In fact, I thought that "Frouda" was the Portagee word for underwear, and only learned last year that she taught me the word for 'diaper' in its' place, since I remember nouns by pointing and asking names in her language, and used my own froudas to ask their name.

She was polite enough not to say anything when she saw me in my froudas, but did later verify with an American female citizen that, in fact, I was coddling my Funky Bunch in high fashion.
         So, all that was to say that my wife still finds boxers and boxer briefs to be unsightly, which is funny in that I find 'unsightly' to be the exact wording I would use to describe briefs on an adult man, especially myself.
      So, with that in mind, when it was time to go to New York a few weeks ago, and since my wife was meeting me there and bringing my civilian (read: not covered in oil) clothes, I asked her to get me some fresh grunties, as my current crop at work are getting a little tatty.
      Well, paint my ass red and call me a stop sign if she didn't get me underwear that SHE found attractive. Now I am the red-faced owner of SIX pair of multicolored Body Glove grape smugglers in all colors of the rainbow.
 I tried one on, and felt completely indecent. I was afraid to tie my shoes for fear of being cut in half.

I'm pretty sure this is her revenge for wearing one of her lacy bits of lady clothing as an eyepatch one night and talking like a pirate. I swear my kid is going to be scarred for life. 


HT said...

Looks like the poor man has lost circulation to his lower half...I would be afraid I would explode!

Weer'd Beard said...


After we were married the wife decided she was going to take a stand and retire my tighty-whities for some quality boxer briefs.

I was a bit apprehensive as that was all I had ever worn. Turns out they're good stuff.

Thems britches are a bridge too far if you ask me!

I used to have to wear a speedo suit when I was on the swim team. It would only come out on meet days. I would say that the extra drag of the trunks was better exercise for training.

Honestly it was because I fucking hated those damn things.

You always see women picking their suit out of their asses. When I started doing the same thing with the plum smuggler....NO! HELL NO!