Saturday, December 3, 2016


I'm at home, decompressing. Back soon. \

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Forever Yours, Literally Hitler

It's been a fun week on the internuts. I'm shedding 'friends' on fecesbook like a dog's fur in springtime what with my shitposting and all. It's been a great distraction in my offtime here as I wind down another tour at HAWSEPIPER's Afloat Global HQ/hostel for indigent mariners.

         Very patient friends from my days as a younger, less relentlessly sane man have been shitposting all over the place, themselves. This political season has really brought about feces-slinging in epic proportions by the left, and that includes my leftist leftover college friends, too.

 It took a little while for someone to summon Hitler at the Republican du jour, but once it got started, Hitler has been one busy dead asshole.

 Comparing a Republican politician to Hitler has enjoyed a time-honored tradition among leftists, turns out, since Hitler was actually still alive.  This is actually a twofer- where people Summon Hitler for political shits and grins, generally they also declare the same person as being fascist. It's sort of like finding douchebags in Starbucks. You can find douchebags and you can find a Starbucks, but generally, once you've identified one, you'll take note of the other being there and mention it.

    In the early days, before Literally Hitler, back when mankind's thinking set were not a bunch of under-educated women who studied Women's Studies and Marx, but have  have never read Euclid and the fathers of Western philosophy, summoning Hitler was done specifically and consciously as a shocking act, rather than so much shit-flinging, which is where it stands today.
     Oh, politically, it's all the same stew, I suppose, but I might be more inclined to be offended by a retired combat veteran who parachuted into Anzio calling me names, rather than some midwit twat whose idea of struggle is leaving comments on Huffpo about LuLuLemon not having stretch pants in dumpy sizes. Someone with no skin in the game calling me names is just a joke, far as I'm concerned, and boy don't that piss 'em off too, when they can't get traction by calling you a name they know is a bad name. The whole point is to shock your opponent into silence, thereby 'winning' your argument because your opponent gives up trying to talk sense to your retarded ass.

        At any rate, although calling someone Hitler-like is actually more powerful than the more pervasive and laughable Literally Hitler of today, it's what we have, so it's what I'll deal with.

    As I mentioned above, summoning Hitler has been carried out since Hitler was a pup. FDR himself, the fatherless cocksucker who opened concentration camps in America to imprison Japanese families during the war, FDR was the father of Literally Hitler. FDR might even be the first Shitposter of legendary fame. At this time, Hitler was still alive and the US was not yet at war with Germany.

      Since Barry Goldwater's failed Presidential run,, every Republican President has enjoyed many fine opportunities to be accused of being Literally Hitler. That's 52 years, HALF A CENTURY, of Literally Hitler.

       So why doesn't this seem to be working well for Allfather Trump?

   I can hear our generators running in my stateroom here at the HQ. I can't actually HEAR them, unless I focus on it, though. It's not that they're quiet. They're not really. I'm just habituated to the white noise. When I go home, the silence of a house with no generator running is shockingly silent, and the ringing in my ears, fish jumping in my pond, and occasional sound of the air handler kicking on are startling.
   It's the same with cries of fascism and Literally Hitler.

 Trump is Literally Hitler. Mittens Romney of the Magic Underwear fame, the man whose role model was Mr. Rogers (PBUH), was Literally Hitler. (Binders Full of Women FTW!). John McCain? Literally Hitler. Bush Jr, Bush Sr? Literally Hitler, Literally Hitler. Hell, Senator Robert Byrd, an ACTUAL KKK member, got in detail about Bush being Literally Hitler, accusing him of being both the man himself AND Herman Goering! Quite a feat, indeed.
       Ronald Reagan was an especially noisome case of Literally Hitler. Reagan was Literally Hitler for getting the US involved in the forever war in Grenada, which no one can find on a map without help. Reagan was accused of being Hitler more than any other president in US history, as were all the members of his cabinet. We effectively reached Peak Hitler to date with President Reagan, but who can say what tomorrow will hold?

Under Reagan, we achieved Peak Hiter

    After Peak Hitler, there was a plateauing and a decrease in incidents of Summoning Hitler, although the practice by no means went away.

So where are we after 50 something years of Literally Hitler?  Not even the most reviled Ronald Reagan (PBUH) declared the 4th reich. No concentration camps since we kicked Democrat FDR's shameful legacy into the shitheap of history where it belongs. No thousand-year-reich, unless you count the 1,000 years of debt proposed by effete manlet Robert Reich's ideas for how to stimulate the economy by euthanizing it.

   So, despite the fact that after 50+ years of flinging the same old feces during their daily 2-minutes' hate, the shit no longer sticks, leftists are still dropping trou in search of ammo for the next handful, regardless of results. I interpret this to mean that there is no feedback loop, and even though summoning Hitler no longer works as anything but a reverse virtue-signal, allowing the rest of us to tune out the noise-maker preemptively, it's not going to stop. Every election will be the final chance to stop Hitler. Again.

 Jesus Christ.
  Well, I assume that under this will continue. And I don't really mind, even if it's a touch grating. It gives me a great warning that I'm wasting my time trying to fish through a sea of flung shit in search of one piece of corn that might hold value. As such, I can antagonize such people with ease by not disguising my contempt for their tired old conversation stoppers. And, honest, when my fecesbook friends list is counting backwards like a space launch countdown, I know that I'm doing God's work, fucking with these people.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well everyone, Fuck all those who want to be unhappy about it. I don't begrudge anyone who doesn't want to celebrate Thanksgiving, the same way I didn't want to celebrate the battle of the Boyne and the Orangemen's parades back in my grandparents' country.

 I'm grateful for my wonderful family and friends, to have a good job and the time to enjoy it, for my health and God's many, many gifts to me.

   May God bless and keep you, and although I can't be home with my own family for Thanksgiving this year, I hope you can be, and can enjoy it.

 For my fellow mariners who, like me, will be on watch and moving stuff from A to B, I hope you have a peaceful watch and a hell of a dinner, with time to watch the game if you want it.


 I also bought a ham, although I actually like turkey, too.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Killing more trees in the paperless society

I know that I'm evolving in to a curmudgeon. I accept this. I haven't started shuffling yet, or kicking kids off my lawn, but give me time.

       I wrote a few weeks ago about the necessity and desirability of being fairly meticulous in maintaining good oil samples and chain-of-custody procedures every time there's a transfer of oil on the water. You can check it out here.  Bearing in mind that I write mostly tongue-in-cheek, I try not to be too pedantic about a very pedantic process. If I were writing a technical manual, it'd be different. This blog is also my practice slate for creative writing, God help us, which I do here and there. 

         So, in following with the prior post on the benefits of giving a flying fornicato about what is, ultimately the last line of defense against getting one's ass handed to oneself in the bunker trade, We here at HAWSEPIPER's Afloat Global HQ and Hot Dog Safari got a nastygram sent from the Home Office, reminding us, timely enough, that not adhering to procedures is a Bad Thing and Not Liked At All. Another nastygram sent out more recently, said something similar as a reminder to do other paperwork properly.
      I'm looking for my toldya face. My alter ego, Nostradumbass, saw it coming. 

      Without going into the internals of my employer's handling of this sort of thing (ain't my business; I universally deal with it it by trying not to need handling), this sort of feeds back to a question as to why the hell anyone, especially anyone with a family, would want to get on the radar by not working with a CYA mentality?

      There are few universals when it comes to filling out paperwork in bunkering. Even chain-of-custody forms vary across charterers, although they are often similar. The HQ generally works with 6 charterers, some of whom have special procedures that vary from their own SOP in dealing with particular shipowners. Knowing and keeping track of the details of a million little things is important. Innocuous stuff, like whether I am supposed to type in sample seal numbers on an official document, or have a 3rd party write them in on a reciept after I print it, that sort of thing. It varies, and companies get very soggy and hard to light if their liability is increased because I was not aware of their often counterintuitive wants. It pays not to forget. Well, more accurately, SOMEONE pays if you forget. 
     Of the few universal documents that we have, the one that every vessel in some form has is called a Declaration of Inspection (or some variant thereof). Often, both parties will have their own DOI's, and before a transfer starts, we will exchange information in a Pre-Transfer Conference (again with the capitals), whether formal or informal, and fill out each other's documents. 
     It is NOT legal in the US to transfer oil across the water in commercial quantities without a DOI. Not Legal as in 'please fine me personally, US Coast Guard, if you ever find out I didn't fill out a DOI.'
    I'm not kidding, the Coast Toasties are really dicks if you don't have this particular paper shield filled out just so. 
       Without getting into the particulars, a DOI is a checklist of things you swear under penalty of law that you did prior to starting the transfer. It requires signatures and bona fides of both parties to be valid. Signatures, initials, etc. It's a discoverable document that might as well be a neon sign if you skim or skip a step, to ensure corner-cutting is kept down and safe transfer is probable. 
     There are people whose job it is to make sure that your paperwork in the past was done correctly, so that you and your employer know that you're fucking up before anyone else does. Vetters are welcomed with the enthusiasm of a rectal exam, and like a rectal exam, they're a necessary evil, another check against slacking standards and the early links in an error chain. 
       I describe my job to some folks as being a cat herder. I try to keep a million little details just so, put together as needed, where needed, in a constant effort to do an adequate job under less-than-idyllic conditions... and conditions are always less-than-idyllic. Delays, language gaps, mistakes, distractions, etc- on my side and also on the other side, too. I bunker for my supper, whereas ship's engineers bunker once a month or so, so it makes sense that I'm faster and more efficient at it, plus the HQ is purpose-built, whereas bunker stations on ships are designed on the fly, and often badly. The most annoying and one of the more important parts of my job is to ensure that the not-always-very-conversant-in-English engineers I'm working with know what's going on, are doing their part, and know the particulars. Bunkering being what it is, an annoying afterthought for engineers who are chronically sleep-deprived during port calls, they'll often sign anything. I could send up a form requiring they transfer custody to me of their immortal soul and any virgin daughters, and most of them will sign it. "Spik Inglich, yis yis." Guys like that have to be protected from themselves, and, more important, I have to protect myself from their ignorance by trying to kill it where it lives. 
     I try not to be pedantic here, but at work? I ask the same question in different forms 3 times to be sure that I'm understood. 
      "Chief, you understand that you need to tell me 10 minutes before you need me to stop, yes? No last minute stops, except for emergencies, OK?"
     "Yis Yis."
     "OK, Chief. If you need to stop, how many minutes' warning will you give me? At least 10, yes?
    "Yis Yis, ten."
     "Thank you chief. We'll be standing by for your call to stop when you need us. Call us 10 minutes before, so we are prepared to stop."
 Sort of like that. Doing that without being a dick is a challenge. Bunkering is not a trade for socially adept people, which is one of the many reasons I hate having strangers work for me. Many people are abusive or just outright fucking retarded, bowling over people who barely speak English by being domineering and rude, which costs us time and safety.  I've blown the hard hat off of a couple of people's heads with a flying monkey fist at night and rung their bell when they were being rude, back when I was an AB on a tanker. I have no desire to have that done to me. 
   But that's another subject in itself. 

Thursday, November 17, 2016

rest (NSFWish)

Inspiration for blogfodder is light on the ground. I'm just not feeling inspired.

 Obviously, this is a cry for help. Here are some Brazilian women to the rescue!

Click to make biggly.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Not being a concern troll

I'm hearing stories of people complaining that Trump supporters are being bullies.

        I spent my college and grad school years, plus a couple more besides, being a closeted Republican. When I gave up on my white collar career as a scientist and became a professional mariner, I started being a little more honest with people, through a filter, of course... time has a way of wounding all heels, though, and as I transitioned from commercial fisherman/part time merchant mariner to merchant mariner/part time commercial fisherman, that filter started eroding.When my life stabilized and I found myself married and giving up fishing, well, the damage was done, and I no longer talked wicked good, my Boston accent became more ascendant, and my vocabulary was winnowed down to where it stands today. Along the way I got more honest with myself and strangers, too.

 I'm watching schadenfreude all around me for the people on land.

 The people that accused me and mine of all sorts of nasty things are in fact saying those nasty things themselves. Projection is a thing, I guess.

 The #notmypresident people are destroying their own legacy. So long as it doesn't affect mine, IDGAF.

         Parents who have been frothing at the mouth and accusing Trump of being all sorts of evil things are panicking because they don't know what to tell their kids. Their kids just watched their parents panic and act juvenile, saying and doing things worthy of no respect while they fling shit like monkeys, howling because after so many years, it no longer sticks.

    Your kids are panicking because you're making them panic. STOP BEING ASSHOLES IN FRONT OF YOUR KID.

     My kid has seen me say and do some dumb things, and some wrong things. I take pains to make good on any mistakes, and for him to feel that he is safe and secure, loved and protected. He doens't believe I'm infallible, but if I acted like an asshole in front of him, that would hurt him more than it would hurt me. Thank God I've got Inappropriately Hot Foreign Wife to reel me in when I need it.

     Watching these parents who have just demonized the president of their country, the one thing I'm not seeing enough of is what I and my people went through for the past 8 years. The 'Well, this is ugly, but I guess it's what people want.' Phase. You know, as in democracy.

        The most amazing thing to me is the doubling down. All the hate and name calling creates a backlash, costs Felonia Von Pansuit the election, so instead the losing side further demonizes the suddenly-empowered  heretofore silent subset... and then they wonder why they're being bullied.

 It's not right, to be shitty to each other, but I sure understand it, and understand that I want very little of what they have.

 I work on the water. I audit life ashore. We tend to compartmentalize our lives as professional mariners- we look at being on the boat as prison, something to get through, enjoy when and where we can, to enjoy our lives at home.
         I sometimes slip when I'm at home and refer to work as 'home.'  I'd rather be at my house when I'm at work, but I don't put my life into suspended animation while I'm at sea. I know I don't want that life that many of my friends have, going to a bland job to earn time at home. I empathize with the idea, and I do earn my paycheck to enjoy it at home, for the most part, but all the hate and politicization makes me VERY grateful that I can retreat to work when I've had enough, and there I'll be judged by more important criteria; how I do my job, and am I pleasant to be around. That's about it. No R or D, big or small.
       Anyhow, we have a new President, finally one I voted for, and I hope he does well. Hoping otherwise is just shitty. He's our leader, and if he does a shit job, we're all hosed anyhow.

Thursday, November 10, 2016


Well, that didn't take long.

    After 8 years of grinding my teeth and watching Obama blunder his way through the White House and leave a trail of death and destruction in the 3rd world, the election results have made me feel like we got a breather, but that's about it.

   There's been some bullying, and some counterbullying, too, as people on both sides get nasty. Lots of closeted Trump supporters are opening their mouths for the first time, shocking the sensibilities of their political opposites.

    My wife's family have flipped the fuck out. She got some serious shit for being an immigrant who voted for Trump. Well, that happens when you are invested in a country and your family is not, I guess.

 Well, either way, I'm sitting back and watching the shit show. I hope Trump will fix immigration the easy way, by introducing massive, crippling fines to those citizens who hire illegal immigrants to cheat on their taxes.

 I figure fuck them, I get my ass handed to me by Uncle Sugar every quarter. They can too. I realize that artificially-subsidized industries like restaurants, construction and landscaping will get hit and pass the costs along accordingly. Well, that's what happens when you obey the law. Life gets harder. I'd love to be able to pocket the 38-40% that I lose every year so that the gib me crowd can warm their thumbs in their own exhaust.

 At any rate, I'm shedding social media friends like a dog in springtime, and it's delicious.  I'm not being particularly nasty, but I'm being less... restrained. It's fun.

Don't matter much to me anyhow. I'm mostly on Gab now.