On Wednesday I made it to to Philadelphia without falling on my sword, and also without incident. 3 energy drinks and 7 hours of driving, and I was off to work. I joined my assigned barge unit at 8am, and immediately unpacked my things and proceeded to get hideously sick, I think from the caffeine, sugar, and helpless dread.
It is now Sunday morning, July 5. Most of America is sleeping off hangovers, cleaning up backyards or enjoying one more day of our big weekend. My family is separated by 5,000+ miles, courtesy of a bank 'glitch,' and I am finally able to come to grips with my own emotional state.
You see, for the past four days, I've been running defense, or at the least, running. Running scared, maybe. I've been acting defensively, occasionally offensively, but whatever else, it's all been chaotic, and completely reaction-based. This morning, I've had time to mull, dwell, ruminate. And thus, the revelation. I am angry.
I am angry because I have to be patient, that the odds of absolutely anything positive happening are slim, that I am maybe a bad husband, because my bank caused such a disaster for my family. My son is going to have to start school in 'special' classes because he's going to miss his surgeries. My wife is going to lose at least half of her regular clientele for her business, so our finances are officially in the toilet. I've got to pay back the money I owe my dad, and since I spent our rent for July 1 on my wife's airfare, I have to find some way to get that to the soulless corporate entity who houses us. So I'm pissed, because it's a little hard to greet the day with a smile, because my family is not doing so hot.
One thing I am not here to do is whine. I'm doing what I always do when stressed. I put my head down and push ahead, and up my work output. This is how I deal. Yesterday I put in a marathon day out on deck. When our work was complete, I started doing some painting, which never fails to put my mind at ease. It did work well. When I knocked off for the day, after we tied up to the dock, I felt a little tingle on my skin. Sunburn. Today I'm a purple-red color. So it goes. In the meanwhile, I've re-found my chi or something. I'm thinking clearly, and making plans. Tomorrow we attack.